Advice Column

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Friends? For What?

People, by our nature, are incapable of doing anything without a purpose. Even by doing nothing we are doing something by doing nothing, and the purpose for doing nothing is to do nothing. These thoughts were on my mind when just as suddenly, like a fart blowing out while taking a crap, I was thinking about my friends.


Some I had since I was still having difficulty not peeing on my bed at nights, others when I was still having difficulty not peeing on my pants due to extreme intoxication and gross stupidity that usually comes along by being too drunk. All of them have their own distinctive brand of quirkiness and idiocy, and all of them had in one way or another made my life all the more fun and livable. But then again it got me thinking that aside from being good company when I am bored and a source of funds when I am out of cash, what purpose in the great order of things do they have in my life?


What is a friend anyway? If we let a dictionary define friendship it would go like this:

“A person you know well and regard with affection and trust.”

If that is the definition of a friend, then so be it, but how about the purpose of a friend? What is a friend’s purpose in our life? What is the point of having a friend? What are they good for? Are they just good for the laughs and the inane chatter? Or just for the occasional shoulder to lean on when all seems lost? Or are they just an irrelevant nuisance that could be easily dispensed with like condoms to Robinson Crusoe or to Tom Hanks in Castaway? So many questions with hardly any answers that I could think of; this seems to be going nowhere just like my exams in chemistry way back in high school.


Come to think of it from what I have learned in chemistry (after several flunking grades, I might add); individual atoms of a given element can stand independently as is. However, when a given atom from a different element is bonded to another atom from a different element or even if the atoms of the same element are bonded in a different way, curiously, a new thing is created.

Water is a combination of hydrogen (which is highly flammable) and oxygen (the fuel that allows things to burn, without it there is no flame); logically, water should be flammable as hell. Salt is a combination of sodium (which is in a way tasteless) and chlorine (a foul smelling toxic gas that irritates the respiratory system), if you put the two together, logically, we should get a substance that is not only tasteless but should be foul smelling and toxic.


Maybe friendship is like that. Maybe, that is the purpose of friendship. Maybe friendship is transformative, transforming us through our bond with others into someone new, someone different from before. God, Providence, the Universe, or some Alien race, or who ever put us here might have granted us with the capacity for friendship for us to transform ourselves into someone other than what we should have been if genetics would just be allowed to take its toll. A fail safe perhaps, to grant a better chance for those that through the caprice of Fortune were not favored by evolution. Or perhaps as a foil for those that, due to the peculiarity and folly of their nature, Fate had decreed to be washed off from the gene pool.


If friends are intended to transform us, for better or for worse, then it would also go that the kind of friends that we have and the kind of friend that we are has a crap load of shit to answer for. If being a friend and having a friend has such an impact in our lives then being a friend and having a friend must not be taken lightly and carelessly. If being a friend and having a friend helps make us for who we are, then we have much to be thankful for (or curse to kingdom come) for being a friend and having a friend. If all these inane chatter that I’m spewing out seems true to you, if you are happy and fulfilled in your life give your friends a hug and never let go for you are who you are because of them; if you are an asshole and filling shitty, slap the byjeeezzzuuusss out of them, I think it’s time to look for something better.


If I believe in what I am saying, then I have a truck load of thanks to give to my friends. But, then again, if I tell them this the next round of beer would surely be on me.

To my friends, thank you for being with me, bad or good, you sure did make my life a one hell of a party!!!